Fall from Grace
by kampaidaze
Summary: HEAVILY REVISED! Raito tried not to grit his teeth in anger. If only L knew. This was no trivial matter, no source of potential amusement for anyone who would ever have the misfortune of discovering Yagami Raito's pitiful fall from grace.
1. Prologue

Title: Fall from Grace (lame, I know)

Author: Me, of course.

Pairing: Raito/L

Disclaimer: Is this even necessary?

Summary: While participating in the Kira investigation, Raito suddenly runs into a personal issue of enough magnitude to diffuse his ability to bring Kira to justice.

AUTHORS NOTE: Hey bicchezzz. I need to write a fic that I actually like, since I pretty much hate everything else that's out there right now. I can't stand the fact that most yaoi completely overlooks the fact that being gay isn't exactly the most acceptable thing in conventional society, especially in Japan. I would think people would see that as a great source of effect, but apparently not. I probably have no concept of what is widely popular. Anyway, I'll try to keep these guys as much in character as possible, but it will not be completely that way seeing as infatuation probably makes people slightly more pathetic. This takes place during the time that Raito has forgotten his memories of being Kira, therefore he is in righteous polite goody Raito mode. Forgive the guaranteed plot differences to the original series.

--R/L--

Raito, at an early age, had come to the conclusion that he would never fall in love. He'd eventually come to define love as something perhaps others were capable of, seeing as the majority of the human race seemed to have the ignorance and faith required to infatuate themselves with their perception of what and who would supposedly benefit them for all eternity. But not Raito. No, he believed himself far too logical to invest faith into a concept that went against all logic. _He_ was too smart for that.

He was all for personal benefit, and women in general did not seem to have much potential to benefit someone already chock full of arrogance and self righteousness. They were high maintenance, and the very last thing Raito wanted was to appoint himself responsible for the emotional wellbeing of any member of the generally impulsive and irrational female populace.

However, he eventually discovered that not all things in existence were necessarily logical. That was an obvious fact when observing those around him, but it was inevitable that he too fall into a helpless state of unwanted emotion. It took a while for him to allow himself to acknowledge its existence, and even then total acceptance seemed entirely out of the question.

"Would you like some tea, Raito-kun?" L inquired as he poured himself his first cup of the day.

"No, thank you." Raito replied, not taking his eyes of the computer screen he appeared to be so diligently studying. He was meant to be researching any leads concerning Kira's most recent activity, but in reality his mind was reeling with thoughts of his current predicament. His attempt at ignoring it into submission had had quite the opposite effect than he'd desired.

Raito had never entertained the idea of romantic interest between members of the same gender. The possibility in general had been something he had never had the opportunity to consider on any level, being raised within conservative Japanese society. Its mere existence came as a shock to him, let alone the fact that he himself was experiencing elements of it. In the beginning, he'd had no idea what to associate this feeling with. It seemed so unbelievable that he'd immediately deemed it a mistake, a phase, something not worth regarding as it would surely pass. It was only after months of battling against this steady decrease in his ability to control his thoughts (and his body) that he'd felt he could no longer run from the blatant truth. He was most definitely, hopelessly, indisputably attracted to L.

"You've been staring at the same page for over an hour, Raito-kun. Surely by now you have been able to judge whether the given information is of any use?"

Raito twitched at the sudden interruption of his thoughts. He could feel L's cold black eyes observing his profile critically. He quickly dug through his mind for a sufficient explanation, but his imagination failed him. He instead opted for a vague version of the truth.

"I'm sorry, I haven't been feeling very well lately. I'm finding it difficult to concentrate." It was a rather lame response, but it would have to do.

"Ah. Problems with Amane-san?" Raito knew him too well to miss the barely perceivable tone of mockery in L's voice.

"What makes you think that, Ryuuzaki?"

"Because" L paused to sip at his tea, "you do not appear to be suffering from illness, but rather you appear to be perplexed or, dare I go so far as to say, emotionally distraught?" He stated with the trace of a smirk on his otherwise aggravatingly calm expression.

Raito tried not to grit his teeth in anger. If only L knew. This was no trivial matter, no source of potential amusement for anyone who would ever have the misfortune of discovering Yagami Raito's pitiful fall from grace (though he swore on his life no one _ever_ would). It went so far as to rival the significance of his parallel struggle to discover the identity of Kira and sentence him to justice. No, further, seeing as his ability to focus on the case had dissolved almost completely.

L did not notice the well masked onslaught of emotions, but did find the extended silence peculiar. He'd expected an immediate witty retort, and Raito rarely failed to fulfill his expectations. "I apologize if I have tread upon sensitive ground; Your personal matters are of no relation to me, though I must insist that you solve them quickly so that you may better focus on the task at hand."

'It has very much to do with you' Raito thought bitterly. He became furious at himself for his natural impulse to blindly follow L's instructions whatever they may be in order to prove his worth, and he quickly extinguished it. Anyway, 'solving the matter' was out of the question. It had been at least three solid months of rapid escalation and showed no signs of ever leaving him in peace. He suddenly felt a strong sense of defeat. It was his first, and it was ironic that the only person to defeat him in anything thus far was his very self.

"Yagami-kun," He still had not changed pages. "Go home and rest. Come back when you feel you are capable of contributing to the investigation."

--R/L--

AUTHORS NOTE: Please let me know what you think. I'm not exactly in my element here, so I don't know whether I should bother trying to write?


	2. Chapter 1

Title: Fall from Grace

Author: Me

Pairing: Raito/L

Disclaimer: Not mine yo

Summary: While participating in the Kira investigation, Raito suddenly runs into a personal issue of enough magnitude to diffuse his ability to bring Kira to justice.

AUTHORS NOTE: Good god. This is HARD. Also, someone kindly brought to my attention that Raito was confined for the entire time leading up to the point where he regained his memories (I wish_ I _were more capable of memories). I really don't think this is going to align well with the original storyline, especially in the future (and especially since I don't really remember it well D).

--R/L--

Raito, since being released from confinement, had never been more grateful for his recently acquired right to commute home with his father (who had been granted permission to reside outside of the hotel under the pretense of being able to fulfill his familial responsibilities. Raito had been quite surprised that L had made allowances for such petty reasoning).

He had allowed himself a total of three days. They had been intended for a period of recuperation, but had ended up consisting of nothing even remotely constructive. He had planned to sleep off his state of discomfort to the degree of being well rested and idle enough to increase his inclination toward returning to the investigation, but when he slept he was rendered helpless to the betrayal of his own mind. He was never idle, but rather in a state of constant contemplation. He'd returned to work feeling no better than he had when he'd left.

He wondered how L would react if he himself were to experience such a dilemma. As much as Raito contemplated the possibilities, he had no idea, and logic had no place in a predicament like this. But he imagined that a person such as L was too socially disinclined and independent to ever fall prey to concepts like attraction or emotional attachment, yet if the impossible were to occur, it would not be at all surprising if L were able to divert himself and carry on as usual.

That thought made him inwardly cringe with an almost nauseating sense of shame and inferiority. He was determined _not_ be overpowered by his own ridiculous impulses.

He decided then that if he couldn't cure himself of this disease, he had no choice other than to behave as though it did not exist. In the meantime, he would end this madness once and for all by means of apprehending Kira, thus ending this spiteful association with L.

Raito's will and capability were not to be underestimated. He began to find his bearings and gradually built up enough resistance to the situation to pull himself together and deliberate on regaining his reputation as a valuable asset to the Kira investigation. More and more, he began exercising a commendable level of self discipline, struggling to immunize himself against such things as the certain attractive quality of L's awkward movements and gestures that had their very own unique charm, his inner awe at L's frequent displays of a level of intelligence which was seemingly rivaled only by Raito's own, the way he experienced an involuntary moment of elation every time L made any comment which seemed to have contained even a minuscule amount of appreciation.

No, Raito would not lose. He would remain strong, continue to be a main player in the eventual prosecution of the most notorious mass murderer of the century, and he would live out the rest of his life the way he had always dreamed he would. He would emerge a victor, as always. There was no alternative.

--R/L--

Christmas had arrived before Raito even knew it was coming. Despite Christmas not being an official holiday in the nation of Japan, Raito's mother always took the opportunity to provoke a rare sense of sentimentality within her family. Their celebration usually consisted of an irregularly large western style dinner, a family activity or two, and most importantly, in order to make this all possible, the strict prohibition of work (in the past, this rule applied predominantly to the ever workaholic Yagami Souichirou, but this year had the inclusion of Raito as well).

Raito was currently sat at the dinner table, distractedly pushing peas about his plate with a fork, tuning out the cheerful banter of his family members. He had always understood and respected his mother's wishes despite his own depreciation of sentimentality, and had always managed to be a good sport in his Christmas day obligations throughout his lifetime. It had never been a problem in the past, so why now?

He gazed forlornly at his barely touched meal, letting self pity gradually consume him. Raito was far too smart to be fooling himself at this point, and as much as he would like to believe otherwise, his dedication to the investigation of Kira was not solely to blame for his melancholic state. What exactly was it that he missed anyway? The indifference? The cutting remarks? The unconcealed mockery? It was completely illogical, and Raito could not even begin to comprehend it.

He sighed as he laid down his fork. When he looked up with the intention of making more of an effort to socialize in order to avoid suspicion, he was surprised when his eyes locked with his mother's.

How long had she been watching him? He held her gaze for a moment, attempting to look indifferent, before turning and making a contributing remark to the conversation between his father and sister regarding her upcoming exams. His mother observed him a moment longer before following his example.

It wasn't long before the evening wound down and everyone departed to their respective areas of the household. Raito was sat at his desk completing a homework assignment for one of his classes when he heard a soft knock at his bedroom door.

"Come in." He swiveled his chair halfway around toward the door and peered over his shoulder as his mother quietly entered and closed it behind her. She smiled softly at him from across the room before making her way to his side.

"Are you busy? Should I come back later?" He glanced back at the sheets on his desk.

"No, not really," he replied. He waited, but she remained momentarily quiet. "Was there something you needed?"

She was silent as she moved to sit on the bed and make herself comfortable before speaking. Raito found her prolonged silence discomforting.

"Raito... When is the last time you spoke to Amane Misa?" He tensed at the mention of her name before forcing himself to relax.

"I don't remember any specific occasion." She was temporarily residing in Tokyo for a commercial shooting, and it was good riddance as far as Raito was concerned. "Why do you ask?"

She observed him warily. "Well... She's left a fair amount of messages within the last three weeks, and she's said that you still haven't gotten back to her... I guess I'm a little concerned."

Raito snorted. "For her?"

She shook her head. "For you."

He briefly pondered the possibility of that making any sense. "Why?"

"I'd wondered if something had happened between you two. Especially since today...you seemed so...lonesome?" She was timid in her questioning, as if she could sense her son's increasing agitation.

"Lonesome? I think you've misread me. I did stay up last night doing research, seeing as I would be taking the day off the case today. So I'm sorry if I seemed somewhat lethargic, but certain things needed doing."

His mother stared at her own hands resting in her lap. "Raito..." She hesitated a moment before carrying on. "It's not just today... You've seemed unwell for quite some time. I don't want to intrude upon your personal affairs, but I _am_ your mother and naturally I can't help but worry about you."

Raito swallowed thickly. It suddenly made sense in a way that the person most likely to have an intuitive sense of Raito's emotional state would be his own mother. "I..." He discreetly wiped his sweaty palms across the legs of his trousers. "I'm fine. Really." He was almost frantic in his search for a convincing explanation. "We've hit a difficult period in the investigation, and I think it has taken its toll on everyone..."

She tried not to look skeptical, but said nothing. By this point, Raito was feeling extremely threatened and he wanted her to leave. Immediately.

"I will talk to Misa. She wont be calling again." He stated bluntly, wanting to evoke a feeling of finality that would provoke his mother to take her leave.

She gave a single curt nod before rising from her seat and moving to open the door. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Goodnight, Raito." And with that she left, shutting the door softly behind her.

Once he heard the click of the latch, Raito let out a deep sigh, relaxing his tense muscles. He leaned back in his chair, tipping his head back to stare at the ceiling and reflect on what had just happened to him. What _had _just happened to him?

She had not confronted him like that in years, and he thought it audacious of her to presume she could help him in any way. He was 18 years old, a bona fide young adult, and was perfectly capable of caring for himself. What exactly did she want him to say? Raito personally believed that his mother would rather die than be told by her only son that he was irreversibly infatuated with another man. It would be in _her_ own best interest to refrain from interrogating him in the future.

He decided he was in dire need of sleep. He had planned to catch up on his assignments before going to bed, but he was far too mentally exhausted by then to do anything anymore.

Besides, he would need to conserve his energy and brain cells if he really planned to settle things with Misa once and for all.

--R/L--

AUTHORS NOTE: NOOOOOOO not Misa! DEATHGOD FORBID. She's necessary to the plot. Why? I actually forgot. (looks at plot outline) Ahh yes, of course. But it's a secret. SORRY.

I know not much happened in this chapter, I just wanted at least one chapter of Raito angst. I promise things will pick up from here, and leave not much room for all this descriptive emotional actionless crap. I just wanted to put across the aspect of Raito being a bit too subconsciously socially conventional to be able to accept something like that in himself, thus causing a lot of uncharacteristic paranoia XD;;


	3. Chapter 2

Title: Fall from Grace

Author: Me

Pairing: Raito/L

Disclaimer: Not mine yo

Summary: While participating in the Kira investigation, Raito suddenly runs into a personal issue of enough magnitude to diffuse his ability to bring Kira to justice.

AUTHORS NOTE: Just to clarify the plot differences from the original series, let's say Raito was released from confinement after a certain time period as the murders carried on. So now he is free to go where he wants, is still working on the case, and living at home rather than the hotel with his father for obvious reasons?

--R/L--

Raito groaned miserably. If he'd thought things couldn't get any worse, he was sorely mistaken.

He had never been particularly susceptible to illness and could not remember how long it had been since he'd last been ill, so perhaps this was well overdue, but that did not render the experience any less excruciating. His head throbbed, his body ached, he felt entirely depleted of energy.

However, as expected, Raito had placed his concerns for his own health aside in favor of his duty to the investigation. He could not afford any unnecessary setbacks; he feared the long term lack of progression was slowly driving him insane. It did not help that L seemed depressed and had been behaving rather brusquely toward Raito since the removal of the handcuffs. It was easy to tell that being more or less proved wrong in his suspicion of Raito being Kira was hard for him to swallow.

Raito rested his face in his palms in an attempt to ease the searing pain in his head.

"Is something the matter, Raito-kun?" L inquired. Raito had not the energy to move, so instead he merely opted for the response that would require the least amount of energy.

"I'm sick," he ground out, lamenting the torturous deterioration of his health.

"Ah... So it seems." His manner of speaking was suspicious enough to prompt him to lift his head and shoot L an inquisitive glare. "'Lovesick', to be more precise."

There was a momentary delay of reaction before the blood drained from his face and his stomach seized, suddenly feeling cold as ice.

No. It couldn't be. L couldn't _possibly_ know, could he? Raito could only gape at him, speechless, sickened, momentarily devoid of logical thought, whilst trying desperately to convince himself that the scenario he was suddenly experiencing was some kind of sick, twisted nightmare, and that he would wake from it at any given moment. But as he inevitably failed in his frantic attempt at denial, and as his entire world crumbled beneath his feet, he began to panic.

"Ryuuzaki!" growled Souichirou. When Raito found the strength to look at his father, he'd discovered unmistakable guilt written all over his face.

And then a likely scenario began to form in his head. His father must have spoken to L about _something_. He briefly recalled his mother's recent interrogation regarding his 'loneliness' as she so adamantly believed it to be. Had she illustrated her concerns to her husband, suspicions of a nature Raito had been ignorant of until that moment?

That stupid bitch. His father was no better. What had he been _thinking_, discussing such a thing with L of all people?

But suddenly his body felt congested with an awkward mixture of both fury and relief. It now seemed rather obvious to him that neither of his parents could possibly be aware of the horrifying fact that their son's alleged 'lovesickness' was actually elicited by another _man_ (the notorious detective L himself), predominantly because of the presence of guilt over accusation. Acquiescence was not a possibility in his particularly unacceptable case. Regardless, this realization had merely made the potential catastrophe a mere disaster. They were still one significantly large step closer to unveiling Raito's wretchedness.

"Don't be idiotic. Where on earth do you get these ridiculous notions from, Ryuuzaki?" Raito scoffed, pulling a face of moderate irritation, ignoring his father completely.

"I do not reveal my sources." L appeared to be quite amused. "Don't look so offended, Raito-kun. It was said in jest."

Raito only glared in response, and the lack of indulgence seemed to bore L to the point of reverting his attention to the currently more interesting of endeavors, his research.

Raito finally relaxed and could feel himself vibrating from the remnants of shock. As he calmed he began to speculate upon the abhorrent choice of wording. The term 'lovesick' tended to sound even more contemptible than the real issue at hand, if such were even possible. Despite the fact that his symptoms seemed to suggest as much (at least in the eyes of your everyday romantic) 'love' was a prospect that he had not allowed to even breach his thoughts thus far. Yagami Raito for one was no romantic, and he was _not_ in love...

--R/L--

Dinner that night was eerily silent at the Yagami household. The atmosphere had been palpably tense since the moment they'd sat down at the table, and no one dared to break the silence. It was not surprising when Sayu finished eating noticeably sooner than usual before nervously announcing her departure, bidding them goodnight, and then trotting up the stairs to her bedroom. As instructed, Raito presumed.

He was irritable, stabbing at his food with more force than necessary, awaiting the confrontation that he knew very well to anticipate.

"Son..." And there it was, brought about by his father's initiative, as expected. "About today..."

Raito set his fork down on his plate and lifted his gaze to bore directly into his father's, reveling in the emission of uncertainty and remorse. He had an exasperated thirst for revenge, and felt his father's current discomfort was hardly punishment enough. He had absolutely no comprehension of the damage he had caused by his carelessness.

"I'm sorry. Your mother and I were only concerned for your wellbeing. You haven't seemed yourself lately, and-" Raito did not want to go down this road, not again. He only wanted to know one thing; why the team, why _L_? He would have preferred the unexpected obligation of handling _anyone_ else, but what possible reason could his father have to have discussed the matter with L, of all people?

"Please forgive me if I fail to understand how voicing entirely fabricated tales of my supposed romantic escapades would be in my best interest. Especially when it happens to become the topic of interest amongst our investigation team." Raito greatly disliked the way he came off as more deflated than defiant.

"I was under the impression that you have a reasonably close relationship, especially since being cleared from suspicion. I'd thought that if anyone were to know anything, it would most likely be Ryuuzaki. I had consulted only him, in private."

"What gave you that impression?" Dare he even ask. But he did, carefully removing the strain he felt from his voice.

"Aside from his impressive ability for solving mysteries," he chucked nervously, trying to lighten the mood with a weak attempt at humor, "you seem to get along quite well. You're always together, either chatting or bickering. I'd thought you two were friends."

This 'thought' just added yet another factor to the threat of his privacy. His rotten luck seemed fairly consistent these days and began to lack the element of surprise. He found it very unnerving that if L had in fact been a girl, the mixture of his father's recently voiced sentiments and the rumor of Raito's apparent lovesickness would no doubt be connected and a rather solid conclusion would be drawn. L was, after all, the only person close to his own age that Raito had ever both felt and expressed any level of respect and admiration for, and his parents who were more or less aware of his social life at both school and work probably figured as much. The only thing saving him at this point was the inaccurate, convention based assumption of his sexual orientation.

His situation was growing more and more precarious by the second. He felt himself losing his grasp on control, and found this to be dreadfully disconcerting.

--R/L--

He was relieved to say the least when his streak of bad luck was interrupted by a more optimistic occurrence. It was a Friday night after an evening session of exam material revision in the school library that Raito arrived at headquarters late enough to find himself alone with L.

He'd just entered the office when L had called out to him.

"Raito-kun. Come here for a moment." He waved him over without prying his eyes from the screen before him. Raito took a moment to lay his coat on the back of his chair before making his way over. "Look at this."

He stood behind him, peering over his shoulder at the screen which currently displayed a number of graphs and written materials containing various details on the backgrounds of Kira's most recent murder victims.

"What exactly am I looking at?"

"I believe I may be on to something. Look here," he said as he pointed toward a chart containing the names, occupations, and criminal history of all the deaths caused by Kira within the last month. "As you probably already know, there has been a significant number of victims within the last two weeks who seem to be free of any past criminal convictions, an aspect which obviously contrasts with Kira's previous ambitions. When looking into the background of these particular victims, I soon discovered a notable similarity between them. All of them, without exception, were high ranking employees of many of the predominant Keiretsu Corporations of Japan."

Raito nodded to indicate that L had his undivided attention, urging him to continue.

"Upon further inspection, I found that the assassination of these members has contributed significantly to the prosperity of one organization in particular, one called Yotsuba Corp. Perhaps at this point it is needless to say that Yotsuba Corp itself has yet to be targeted by Kira." L concluded with a degree of enthusiasm.

"And I assume the continuation of criminal deaths is merely a cover up?"

L looked thoughtful. "I would assume so. It is doubtful that we are dealing with the same Kira as the original, this would seem rather out of character for him."

"I see." He hadn't known what else to say.

At that moment, L looked positively elated, adorning that rarely seen barely perceivable smile, emanating pure excitement and renewed motivation. Raito felt pleasantly weakened by it, almost in a state of awe. Had he ever witnessed such an atmospheric state of happiness, or was it that he had never before held such an interest in the wellbeing of others? He did not know, but he found that he couldn't help but smile himself, contagious of the happiness of the one person he seemed to care for above all others.

And at that moment, he found he could pay no thought to the sudden ray of hope shining light on the investigation, the very kind he had been pining for for months. He merely observed the anomaly before him, and for the first time, and with great fear and apprehension, Raito allowed himself to wonder if this feeling was not love.

--R/L--

AUTHORS NOTE: I'm such a goddamn romantic. I'm ashamed of myself ;.;


	4. Chapter 3

Title: Fall from Grace

Author: Me

Pairing: Raito/L

Disclaimer: Not mine yo

Summary: While participating in the Kira investigation, Raito suddenly runs into a personal issue of enough magnitude to diffuse his ability to bring Kira to justice.

AUTHORS NOTE: YO! That is all.

--R/L--

It was sadly inevitable that one day Matsuda would call to inform L of his and Misa's scheduled return from their business (if modeling could even be referred to as such) trip to Tokyo, and the anticipation of the sure to be imminent encounter with Misa was looming over Raito's head like a personal rainstorm. He had procrastinated in his duty to have a heart to heart discussion with her as promised, later resolving to get it over and done with the next time she came to pay him a visit. Besides, it was only fair that a heart to heart be carried out face to face.

As expected, Misa had ordered Matsuda to take her directly to Raito immediately upon their return. "Raito!" Misa exclaimed enthusiastically as she burst through the office entrance, rushing to him to throw her arms around his shoulders in a graceless hug. "I missed you sooooo much! Why haven't you called? I left you lots of messages, didn't your mom tell you?" she inquired in a tone that naively lacked any sense of accusation.

"I'm sorry, we've been busy with the case lately," Raito used as his pretext. The lack of possible affirmation was not an issue at this time; It would not be the priority of Misa's thoughts for very much longer.

"Poor Raito looks awfully exhausted! Has Hideki-san been overworking you?" she asked, shooting a petulant glare in L's direction. Conveniently, L was currently out of hearing range, too engrossed within his research to pay any mind toward Misa's projection of extreme displeasure.

He needed to get out of there, take her somewhere more discreet. He would not shame Misa by breaking things off with her before an audience, but his tolerance of her had long since expired and he wanted to get this over and done with as soon as possible. He was beginning to feel too edgy.

"Misa...I have something to discuss with you, in private," he quietly informed her, grasping her elbow insistently. Persuasion was hardly necessary. She seemed predictably overjoyed by the proposition of alone time with her precious Raito, avidly nodding her consent and allowing herself to be directed out of the office and into the empty hallway.

She smiled expectantly at him, awaiting his divine dictation.

"Misa.." Raito could not help but imagine himself in her place, and in a situation such as this, it was inevitable that it would ultimately end in heartbreak. For her, it was guaranteed to be absolutely dreadful no matter what the circumstances, and for perhaps the first time ever, Raito felt genuine sympathy for her. The situation seemed similar to his own, too close to home, and incidentally stirred his own self pity. But he was a firm disbeliever in false hope; His principles refused dishonesty when regarding the feelings and vulnerability of others, leaving him with no nicer option.

"What is it Raito?" she asked, blushing under his intense gaze as he regarded her with reluctance.

"Misa..."

--R/L--

Raito sighed, leaning back against the wall as he listened to the fading patter of Misa's hurried footsteps as she rushed out of the building.

She had screamed, kicked, and cried. 'There's someone else,' he had found himself saying. Her devotion and inability to accept any other reasoning had prompted the dreaded necessity of such an explanation. He'd almost gagged on the words, so cliché to the ears yet so deceitfully atrocious in its particular context.

She had asked him if he loved 'her', this 'someone else'. His morals had hassled him then, urging him to engage in some serious contemplation in order to provide her with the truthful answer she deserved in return for the suffering imposed upon her. Raito so detested the term 'love', but at that moment, when he had finally been goaded into swallowing his own pride in order to make an accurate assessment, he felt rather dejected when 'love' seemed to be a gross possibility.

Amongst other brief considerations, he had found himself reminiscent of one particular instance, that one Friday night in January, on which L had seemed happier than Raito had ever seen him before. The emotional gratification that he now experienced from the mere memory of it was only a weak reminder of the incontestable rapture invoked by the mere sight of that smile on L's face. Raito obviously suffered from a case of despondence so severe it was nothing but pitiful.

He had laughed mirthlessly before providing her with the answer.

He wandered back into the office, distracted and mindless of his surroundings. He was perplexed, on many accounts. It bothered him very much that he could not seem to recall why he had agreed to start dating Misa in the first place. It was not like him to accept advances without good reason, and it was a known fact that Raito had a history ridden with multiple admirers, yet the only one he had given into was Amane Misa. But _why_? They had not known each other for very long, yet his memory on the matter was obscure. There was _never_ anything he ever particular liked about her, was there?

He tensed when his musings were suddenly interrupted by the sound of L's voice.

"Perhaps you should have seen her home, Raito-kun. Seeing as it is quite late, it would have been the gentlemanly thing to do."

The first thing Raito noticed when he looked at L was that his back was currently turned to him, the second was that L was seated in front of the surveillance screens at the far end of the office, and the third was that one of those screens was currently displaying a clear shot of the very hallway that Raito and Misa had just carried out their conversation moments ago.

"You eavesdropping son of a bitch!"

Raito's emotional state suddenly escalated into that of total, seething fury. He had never thought L to be so low as to listen in on others' private conversations without a trace of shame.

"Eavesdropping? You put it so distastefully," L replied with a frown.

"Well, do pardon me for saying so, but it _**is**_ rather distasteful," Raito snapped venomously.

"Surely you were well aware that the entire building is under strict surveillance, Raito-kun. I would have thought _you_ would have known that better than anyone."

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean? And how does that give you the right to do such a thing, entertain yourself at other people's expense? Don't you have any sense of respect?!" His fists were clenched so tightly that his nails bit into the palms of his hands.

"Not 'people', just you, Raito-kun. And please calm down, it is displeasing to witness someone of your intellect behaving as though you are mentally deficient."

"You bastard..." His heart hammered so forcefully within his chest that he could hardly breathe, let alone speak.

"You seem to forget that despite what the others may believe, you are not entirely free of suspicion. Not only you, but Amane Misa as well. This is, after all, my investigation, and I would be a fool not to observe any interaction between two Kira suspects, wouldn't I?" L stated matter-of-factly. "I am sad to say that your recent display of ignorance causes me to question your intelligence." The slight tone of disappointment he'd detected in L's voice was positively excruciating for Raito. In fact, he wasn't sure what was more devastating; the fact that L seemed disappointed by Raito's illustrated lack of awareness of the remaining allegations against him, or purely the fact that L remained convinced that Raito was indeed Kira, believed that Raito was a self righteous power hungry mass murderer.

He felt his composure dwindling by a thread. It was taking a great deal of willpower to suppress the defensive ferocity that was currently burning him alive from the inside out, insisting that he end this conversation immediately by planting his fist into L's face.

"Though, I am surprised. Despite such a rumor, I'd calculated only a 5 percent chance that Raito-kun's recent deficiency in general operation could be linked to your so called 'love life'," L chided unsympathetically before looking thoughtful, securing the tip of his thumb between his lips. "Though I admit, it would be interesting to meet the woman Raito-kun actually deems worthy of particular interest." Raito sneered.

"It seems it should be me who doubts your intelligence, Ryuuzaki. When have I, in all my time spent in this hell hole, ever voluntarily spent time with anyone outside of my immediate family other than Misa? You, who takes pride in knowing every last detail of your suspects' lifestyles, would be unlikely to miss a thing. I would have thought you could use that brain of yours to conclude that there is in fact _no one_ for you to meet," Raito replied with commendable composure. He hoped that his statement would mislead L into thinking that he had been lying to Misa about the 'someone else' for the sake of aiding him in the justification of his argument. If L thought him so immoral as to murder thousands of people in cold blood, surely he was capable of being convinced of Raito's ability to be untruthful.

"Actually, after considering all the pieces, that included, as well as your current state of anger and vigilance, I've come to the conclusion that Raito-kun could very well be suffering from 'unrequited love'," L confidently informed him, obviously unconcerned by the fact that these types of matters were far too personal to be analyzed in such an insensitive manner.

The truth of L's words seemed to hit him where it hurt most. He could not even bring himself to dispute the accusation. He had reached the point where the day's events had been far too much for him to take with composure and dignity.

"It is ironic to say the least, that once Raito-kun finally comes to love someone nearly as much as himself, she is unique in the way of lacking similar interest." It was pure mockery, a kind which no one should ever be subjected to. L was prying on his weaknesses, prodding the worst of his wounds in order to provoke an uncontrolled reaction. It was apparent that this was all a part of L's investigation of him as Kira, of his desire to make Raito lose composure and possibly leak further evidence that would aid in his conviction, and it made Raito sick. It was too much, too cruel. L would never understand his situation or his pain, his mind was ridden with revenge. L had no idea, he didn't understand a thing. Not a goddamn thing.

Raito finally snapped. He gripped the front of L's shirt and hauled him up out of his chair, hearing it clamor to the ground behind him. He seethed in L's face, glaring at him hopelessly whilst suffering a case of severe indecision. He didn't know what to do with him, he wanted to kill him. He just needed this to end.

However, he came to no decision. He merely found himself pulling L into a forceful kiss without proper reasoning or consideration. Panting through his nose as he meshed their lips together, he pulled L as close as possible as if some part of his mind were functional enough to realise that this was the closest they would ever be, and the knowledge suddenly obliterated all traces of his previous fury.

Once L had overcome his shocked immobilization, he shifted in the beginning of opposition, but Raito stopped him by winding an arm around his neck to prevent him from moving backwards. He let his head fall to rest in the crook of L's neck where he rested for a moment breathing heavily, feeling dizzied by the warmth of human contact and the natural scent of L's skin. He reveled in the intense feeling _ridiculously_ incited by mere close proximity, indulging himself completely while he could, knowing that it would not last and would never again occur.

It was a hopeless case. No matter how cruel he was, no matter how much Raito hated him, he loved him just as much.

"..Yagami-kun."

The sound of L's voice triggered Raito's rapid descent into brutal reality. He gradually began to realise with dread that in a single moment he had traded his dignity, his self respect, his very life as he knew it, for one brief non-consensual kiss. Suddenly he ached with severe regret. Months of painstaking torturous concealment and self control, and for what? Only to climb higher before his eventual fall to rock bottom. Before his total and utter defeat. How incomprehensible.

He reluctantly released his hold on L and lifted his head from his shoulder. Without lifting his gaze, Raito turned his back on him, unable to bear facing him just then after his shameful illustration of the epitome of haplessness. He opened his mouth, tried to think of something to say, anything, but there was nothing. Instead, he accepted his own defeat and slowly left the room without another word.

--R/L--

AUTHORS NOTE: Sorry this took so long. My life has been hectic x-x And I'm not sure whether this story is getting better or just infinitely worse. I really don't know about this chapter. I made it long to make up for my absence but I'm not sure whether the quality matches the quantity XD;; Raito is absolutely pathetic. But I supposed that's the point, and it kind of helps that he seems to be little mr sweet and innocent without the corruption of the death note and his memories. SUCH THINGS WILL CHANGE. Kind of.


	5. Chapter 4

Title: Fall from Grace

Author: Me

Pairing: Raito/L

Disclaimer: Not mine yo

Summary: While participating in the Kira investigation, Raito suddenly runs into a personal issue of enough magnitude to diffuse his ability to bring Kira to justice.

AUTHORS NOTE: Hellooo. This is getting boringggg. Also, MOGI DOES NOT EXIST. I'm so lazy.

--R/L--

Raito was fraught with dread as he entered the investigation headquarters alongside his father. He had not been able to sleep, and his consequential fatigue did nothing to calm his nerves. The thought of feigning illness had briefly crossed his mind, but he knew that postponing the inevitable would only increase the severity of his situation. After contemplating it long and hard, he had come to a decision: he would deny everything.

Yet, he had no idea what he should expect. It was difficult to judge just how L would respond to such a situation. Would he feel disturbed enough by Raito's actions to kick him off the investigation team as well as announce a justifiable (truthful) explanation to their colleagues? Or would he have the consideration to speak with Raito in private and spare him some of his dignity if he were to agree to leaving voluntarily? Was there any chance of successfully using the denial card on L as well?

If worse came to worst, who would the investigation team believe? Raito or L?

But Raito knew it was useless to ponder the possibilities this early in the game. He had no idea what would happen to him when he walked through that door, and he would just have to take what was thrown at him and work with it as best he could.

But when he did walk through the door, breath held and shoulders tense, he was both confused and relieved to find that everything appeared more or less normal. Matsuda was hunched forward over his desk with his face resting in his hands, groaning in protest to the early morning rise before lifting his head to greet them as cheerfully as the circumstances would allow. Aizawa was in a similar state, looking bored as he worked on one of the PCs, not bothering to acknowledge their daily arrival. Raito's eyes skimmed over the area in search of L, finally locating him on the far side of the room sitting exactly where Raito had left him the previous evening. He was sat with his back turned to them, and he paused in his typing upon hearing them enter. Raito swallowed thickly.

"Good morning Yagami-san, Raito-kun," he greeted monotonously with a halfhearted wave. Raito exhaled carefully. He was only slightly relieved by L's apparent normalcy. He found the suspense of not knowing what was going on to be a commendable rival to the previously anticipated disastrous scenarios. It wasn't right, at all. No one, not even L, would be capable of accepting an imposition of sexual harassment (especially from a member of the same sex) as an insignificant everyday occurrence, unworthy of even verbal confrontation. Raito was sure of that.

So he spent the day waiting in silent rumination. If the others noticed anything out of the ordinary about him, they kept it to themselves; Raito's foul moods were something they were beginning to grow accustomed to.

It felt like days before Matsuda finally reached his limit and announced his departure. It was the initiation of a sequence of events; soon enough Aizawa would follow suit, and Souichirou would take that as his cue to consolidate all of his day's work and take his son and himself home.

However, as Raito had expected with inexplicable dread and self reprehension, he would not be accompanying his father on that particular evening. He had, after a full day of consideration, and with great reluctance, finally decided on a reasonable course of action. It would be best to settle this issue with L as soon as was possible. It was an inarguable fact, as much as he hated it.

"Father.." Raito called with hesitance. "Can you go ahead without me? There's a little more that I want to get done tonight before I leave." His gaze remained on the screen before him as he spoke distantly as though he were immersed in his research. He was relieved when L did not outwardly acknowledge this request.

"Are you sure you're not pushing yourself too hard, Raito? Rest is equally-"

"I'm sure," he insisted. His father worried too much, almost as much as his mother. "I won't be long, I just want to finish reading through this first."

"All right.." his father replied with disinclination. "Well...don't be too long. I'll have your mother save you some dinner and put it in the fridge for you to heat up when you get home."

"Yes, okay, thank you," Raito replied quietly. Souichirou remained reluctant and regarded the back of his son's head a moment longer before slinging his coat over his arm and heading out the door. Raito waited for the resounding click of the latch. He quickly attempted to mentally prepare himself for the brutal task at hand and was utterly ashamed to find that his heart was already beating erratically.

"Raito-kun."

"What," Raito muttered, still not feeling ready.

"You are developing a crisis out of nothing," L stated plainly as he leisurely consumed the remains of his hourly cup of sugar infested tea.

Raito tensed. He slowly lifted his head and regarded L with caution. "Just what the hell do you mean by that..?"

"What I mean," he paused briefly at noticing the depletion of his drink, "is that you are tormenting yourself without good reason. You are being overly dramatic about a rather minor issue, don't you think?" L explained, eyes on his empty teacup as he idly turned it about in his hands.

Raito felt disoriented. Was it possible that L had misinterpreted his actions? "I don't understand.. What exactly is it we're talking about here?" His mind was clinging tenaciously to this unexpected ray of hope of L's potential misconception.

"Don't be daft, Raito-kun. Or do you not remember your own actions? You don't honestly expect me to miss something which is by now so very evident." L caught him in a calculating gaze before returning his focus to the empty cup. "You would do best to learn that there are worse things in life than unconventional attraction," he chided irritably.

"Wha... You can't be serious! How _dare_ you belittle me!" Raito shot up from his seat to object in high volume, feeling thoroughly shocked and victimized by L's vicious insensitivity. "You have no right to trivialize something you know _nothing_ of, something you could_ never_ understand. You will _never_ understand what this has done to my life, what this has done to _me_..." His voice had fallen from blaring outrage to soft spoken. He was struck dead by L's blatant condescension, the utter inaccuracy of his statement, the total lack of sympathy and understanding. If nothing else, he would want for L to at least understand the the aspect of internal conflict. He crumbled back into his chair, resting his forearms against his thighs to support his hunched upper body.

L seemed unaffected and carried on in his explanation of his own view on the matter without second thought.

"Such things are more common than you apparently believe them to be. There is prominent evidence throughout history; the ancient Greeks, the samurai warriors- to name a few of the many examples. They believed a romantic relationship between two men to be the most 'pure' form of love." He paused. "Doesn't the conventional Japanese academic system teach you anything?"

"..."

"Not to say that homosexuality occurs less in this day and age, it is most likely increasingly more common. Though I suppose contemporary society has a practiced knack for veiling such 'iniquity'." L plucked a biscuit from his plate and munched it distractedly.

"L..." It couldn't be... Raito hadn't even bothered to research the concept due to both his fearful apprehension and his skepticism as to whether any applicable records even existed. It wasn't natural; it completely contradicted the very laws of nature. Could such a thing really be as common as L had stated? Were there others like him? In Japan? In this very city? Even perhaps at his very own school? The mere thought began to inject him with a certain sense of consolation, though it was limited by being based purely on similar dysfunction.

"Don't worry, Raito-kun. It is not my business to tell anyone, and if you are concerned with my knowledge on the matter I would rid yourself of that particular concern. As long as you refrain from directly involving myself, your sexuality and objective attraction are of no concern to me," L said in conclusion to his consolatory speech before turning back to his work.

"Ryuuzaki.." Raito remained in a state of bafflement. Was he missing something? Was _L_ missing something?

He was left in a daze, not quite knowing what to think or feel. Surely it was normal to have a reaction considering all he had been through the past few months. Relief for the lack of discrimination, for having the weight lifted from his shoulders? Heartbreak at the lack of reciprocation? It was as though his brain could not process the fact that he had just discussed his attraction to L, with the very man himself and was responded to with words of acceptance and consolation, but he was rendered mentally and emotionally numb above all things. It was somehow a little disappointing, leaving a depressing sense of 'what now?' in its wake. Could he work with the situation more easily now, and would it _ever_ go away?

"Raito-kun, it's getting late, and if you have nothing else to say on the matter I suggest you go home. I am going to reorganize our approach on the current state of the case and assign new tasks tomorrow morning. We are getting nowhere as it is." L seemed indifferent, as though they had not even had their previous conversation.

"I..." Raito was reluctant to leave it at that, but he knew there was nothing left for them to discuss. "All right," he assented before sluggishly rising from his seat and collecting his things. He paused to spare L a glance from the opened doorway.

In a way, it was over. He no longer had to plot his every move, to weigh every word before it passed his lips, to wrack his brain to produce various lies, excuses, and pretenses. There was nothing more to conceal, at least from the person he feared the most. "Ryuuzaki." Perhaps it was clear at this point, but he so badly wanted to say it himself. He wanted to tell him that he loved him if only to have admitted it directly, to have spoken those words out loud without fear of consequence.

"Mm?"

"Nothing.." Raito found himself uttering softly instead before leaving quietly.

--R/L--

AUTHORS NOTE: Okay, helloo. Quick thank you to all the people who have reviewed thus far, I really was not expecting such positive feedback.


	6. Chapter 5

Title: Fall from Grace

Author: Me

Pairing: Raito/L

Disclaimer: Not mine yo

Summary: While participating in the Kira investigation, Raito suddenly runs into a personal issue of enough magnitude to diffuse his ability to bring Kira to justice.

AUTHORS NOTE: IMPORTANT!! I changed the story around a lot, so if you're already a reader i strongly suggest you start again from the beginning. I really hope it's better. Also I know this chapter is kind of lame, it's filled partially with things I didn't want to write about but are necessary to the damned plot. YES there IS a plot actually haha. I wrote an outline finally so I actually know where this is going if I finish it. I decided to post my attempt at another chapter even if I'm not too happy with it seeing as I hate leaving you guys hanging and it's been ages. You guys are so awesome, I was reading through my reviews the other day and they made me so happy that I really felt the impulse to get going with this story again.

FYI, Ukyou-e means floating picture in Japanese, and they are those traditional paintings on wood. In case you were wondering. Also, the rain/towel thing is cheesy but I dared to do it only because it was even cheesier in the actual anime, so I felt it was allowed. I toned it down quite a lot in my opinion.

--R/L--

Raito was searching for something he didn't quite know. He'd paid frequent visits to the library across town, eventually reading through every item of gay literature they stocked (though there were not many, and most were in English). He'd learned about the Ancient Greeks, he had come across scans of ukyou-e picturing homosexual fornication within Japanese history, he'd even gone so far as to order a gay porn magazine from the UK, staying home sick from school for three days to ensure he was the one to intercept it through the post.

Even so, despite coming across a greater understanding of his libido and how to indulge it, he found he was no less confused by the overall concept of his sexuality and remained anxious for something more. He tried to contemplate this less than every night as he lay in bed waiting for sleep to relieve him of the stress of conscious thought, though he usually only succeeded in quelling his thoughts when he was exhausted enough to fall asleep before he could even register his head hitting the pillow.

Yet, even after the months of almost constant consideration, what still seemed to perplex him and continuously defy his will and better judgment for what was good for him was the inexplicable fact that as hard as he tried he couldn't fathom settling for anyone else- his entirety (body included) completely ignored reason and continued to desire not men in general, but L, and L only.

--R/L--

"I just don't see how it's possible, Raito," Misa whined at him. Raito certainly had not been expecting to be bombarded by Misa's presence at work ever again since their last confrontation, and was not at all mentally prepared for the situation at hand.

He wondered where her sudden reasoning ability was coming from, despite the weakness and near month delay of her argument. She'd suddenly barged into the office, rattling off on the odds of Raito having another girlfriend being impossible, as though she believed she could reascend her place by his side if the position was currently unoccupied.

Of course, he had no idea what to say. He was disinclined to tell the truth for obvious reasons. He already felt as though he had tried to feed her enough of a variety of reasons that his lack of success at this point was surely due to her sheer stubbornness not to accept his argument regardless of what he said. "Why won't you just tell me what's wrong, Raito? What's the real reason you broke up with me?"

He glanced over his shoulder, catching Aizawa and Matsuda watching the altercation. He had the decency to feel at least a little awkward, although grateful that at least his father wasn't in the room. "Misa... This isnt really the time or place for this."

She huffed like a child, petulantly crossing her arms over her chest. "Well, I guess we'll have plenty of time to talk since I'm coming back to help with the case again." Raito turned to L for confirmation, only to find him still seemingly engrossed in his work. Fury began to churn in his stomach at the possibility that this prospect had been run past and accepted by L already.

"I'm taking my lunch break now," he informed the team, who predictably did not dare dispute it. He left, knowing that instructing Misa to follow was hardly necessary.

They walked down and across the road to the nearest cafe where they ordered a meager lunch before seating themselves in one of the booths. He'd hardly touched his food when he began speaking. "Misa, why are you doing this? I thought you'd left the investigation permanently."

"Ah youh gomma tell me why youh lied abouh aving amother girlfwem?" she asked with a mouthful of sandwich, gazing at him with the hope for an excuse which included the element of still liking her shining evidently in her eyes.

"Look, that's not what I said," Raito grated, feeling frustrated and irritable. "I said I like someone else, I never said they liked me." He awaited her reaction uneasily, feeling pissed off that he was having to reveal such personal information just to get her off his back.

"Same as me then I guess.." she said softly, smiling in a way which made her seem slightly more mature. It somehow drained Raito of his aggravation.

"Look, Misa.."

"It's okay, Raito. I thought this may be the case, which is why I decided to come back to the investigation so I can prove to you that I'm good enough by helping you catch Kira. I'll make it so that you wouldn't know what to do without me, and make you forget all about this other girl," she exclaimed excitedly, causing Raito to choke on his tea and stare at her incredulously. The situation was truly ironic.

"Misa, this isn't as simple as you think," he began to argue, searching frenetically for any explanation that might get it through her head that it was an all around bad idea.

She smiled brightly and clasped his hands across the table, her sleeve dangling in his lunch. "Don't be so negative, Raito, I know we can do it." She squeezed his hands as a show of support. "We'll get through this together!"

Raito didn't know if she had meant the Kira case, the 'turbulence' in their relationship, or both. But for some reason her words had stirred an uneasy feeling in the pit of his stomach and left him in a silent daze for the remainder of the week.

--R/L--

Raito knew there was something very incredibly wrong when he returned home from the library one day to find the magazine missing from beneath his mattress.

There was hardly a moment of denial before his blood ran cold and he started searching every inch of his room, becoming increasingly more frantic with each place it wasn't in. It was nowhere to be found. "_fuck_.." he whispered shakily after tearing the entire room to shreds and going back to places he'd already looked, "_**FUCK!**_"

"Raito," he froze as he heard his mother's voice call him from downstairs. "Could you please come down here for a moment?" '_No...no no no...no way' _he pleaded uselessly to himself but he knew. Her tone sounded innocent enough, but he knew, the mantra '_they know, they know,__ shit__, they know_' assaulting his mind.

He swallowed the lump in his throat before daring to proceed, his legs weak and shaking, his sweaty hands gripping the rail as he descended the stairway. He slowly rounded the corner to find his mother and father sat at the table, the magazine laid out in front of them. He could barely look at it. His mouth went dry and his heart pounded so violently within his chest it hurt. He did not dare to speak first, resulting in a long agonising silence before Souichirou finally began the interrogation.

"Care to explain.._this_?" his father demanded simply, gesturing at the magazine. Raito took in his mother's averted gaze and his father's look of anger and confusion, and something felt something shrivel and die deep within him. He experienced the sudden realisation that to them, this wasn't a matter of their son's well being at all. This was a matter of themselves, of their own comfort. A matter of what the neighbours would say. Their love had always been exclusive to perfect straight-A student, eligible bachelor to carry on the family line Raito. Not socially disinclined, dispassionate, irrepressibly homosexual Raito. No, it wasn't about him at all.

"I'm gay," he stated boldly. He didn't feel the impulse to apologise or beg for forgiveness. In the moment of truth he felt as dead inside as his admission had sounded. His father visibly flinched, but his mother remained the same, as though she'd had the sense to realise what was going on the moment she had first laid eyes on that magazine.

"I thought you were better than this, Raito! What are you thinking? Do you honestly expect me to take such nonsense seriously?" his father growled, hitting his palms on the table surface and pushing up from his seat. He was obviously still in the denial stage, a feeling Raito was bitter to know so well. He knew that his father was waiting for some sort of logical explanation as to why that magazine was in his room that would prove his innocence, prove his blessed heterosexuality. But even more he knew that nothing he could say at this point would take back his parents' discovery, nor completely convince his upstanding father of the sad truth that his son was so corrupt as to want to sleep with other men.

"No, I dont," he answered simply. No, despite the hundreds of scenarios he had played through his own mind during the past few weeks of what he would say if his parents ever found him out, when it actually burned down to it there was no need to explain, no _sense_ in explaining at all. There was no explanation that was not the already blatant truth.

"Get out," Souichirou ground out, feeling disturbed to say the least by Raito's lack of response and cool demeanour. Raito calmly did as he was told, hardly pausing as he grabbed his coat off the rack and stepped into his shoes on the way out the door.

He arrived at headquarters at around ten pm, thoroughly soaked and exhausted after an hour and a half walk in the rain. His wet shoes squeaked against the linoleum flooring as he made his way to the main research area.

L must have heard his squeaks long before he reached the door, since he opened it to find L already turned toward the door and staring at him wide eyed. "Raito-kun," he greeted. "What, may I ask, happened to you?"

"Don't ask," Raito replied, sighing shakily as he peeled off his coat and hanging it next to the door where it dripped heavily. His clothes underneath were no less wet, and his shoes actually spilled water when he kicked them off.

"I'll call for Watari to bring some dry clothes," L informed him before doing so.

Raito in his current state was unconcerned with decency and proceeded to shed his wet clothing down to his boxers. He sat in his usual chair rubbing his arms furiously in an attempt to create some warmth. He watched as L left the room, returning shortly with a pile of neatly folded clothes and a towel balancing on his upturned hands. L set the pile on the desk and grabbed the towel off the top, shaking it free of the folds before letting it fall over Raito's head. Raito grunted and pulled it back from his face, looking up to see L peering down at him with benign amusement. Raito continued to gaze back at him, chest throbbing at the realisation that he was being cared for by L of all people, L who knew the worst of him but thought no less of him. "I love you," he admitted earnestly, his gaze fierce and unwavering.

L gave him a solemn look that said 'I know' and nothing more before moving to pour two cups of warm tea, his behaviour instantly turning colder with Raito's sentimental confession. Raito was stunned for a moment but eventually took the opportunity to change into the dry clothes, feeling his gut tighten involuntarily when he looked and acknowledged the fact that they must be L's.

They spent the short remainder of the evening drinking tea and working in silence. Not once did L try to question him, saying only 'you may stay in one of the rooms overnight if you wish,' and kindly leaving all conversation at that.

--R/L--

AUTHORS NOTE: Blehhh I'm sorrryyyy. Souichirou is an asshole because he's so traditional haha. Also before you say how unrealistic it is for parents to be like this, I've been through this. Nothing's more of a testament to realism than firsthand experience. Anyway, it's not that they dont love him, they're just completely unused to the idea and they don't know how to react. I think parents often get pissed off before anything else, especially when they love you. Things will progress anyway. If you don't hate me for this gay chapter.

PLEASE let me know though, I really want to know how people are reacting to this. Can we say do that same thing as before where you review telling me what you like the most and dislike the most about the chapter?

Thank you so much to those of you who will, I try to reply to every comment I get.


	7. Chapter 6

Title: Fall from Grace

Author: Me

Pairing: Raito/L

Disclaimer: Not mine yo

Summary: While participating in the Kira investigation, Raito suddenly runs into a personal issue of enough magnitude to diffuse his ability to bring Kira to justice.

AUTHORS NOTE: This chapter is dedicated to Gabrielle for being so awesome and supportive and helpful with this fic. ILU BEBE

Also, someone called Regena left an anonymous review, and I really wanted to reply but couldn't! I hope you're still reading this, and read this author's note, cus I wanted to thank you for leaving such a nice review =]]]

---R/L---

Raito was cold and lost, wandering around in a dark forest where every place he went looked identical to the last. Suddenly, a beam of light pierced through the brush ahead and he followed it until he finally reached a clearing.

His vision was flooded with tombstones, tens of thousands of them, stretching as far as he could see.

He jolted as a sudden screeching noise pierced his senses, so loud it felt as though his ears were bleeding. He clutched at them, trying to block out the sound as his eyes sought out the source. He looked toward the centre of the graveyard where he saw Amane Misa crouched on the ground with her back to him. Her body was curled over a tombstone, an incisive screech stabbing into his head with every jagged move of her arm. As he approached her the dread grew in intensity, and by the time he came to stand behind her he felt ridden with nausea.

"Misa..." he whispered, and the noise stopped. She turned to him, smiling brightly, pride shining in her expression. The dread grew and grew with every inch he leaned over her shoulder until the solitary letter 'L' glared up at him from the centre of the stone, a mangled pen bleeding into the carving from Misa's grip.

He was horror stricken, staring at her eerily smiling face as he stumbled backward to get away from what he had seen. His foot caught and he tripped backward, his body seizing and hands bracing for the fall. But the impact never came.

He suddenly found himself sitting upright in bed, gripping sheets in sweaty hands, and remained that way until his erratic pulse very gradually returned to normal.

--R/L--

Raito was nervous as he listened from his desk to the sound of distant footsteps becoming increasingly more audible, pausing just outside the office door before entering. He didn't have to look to know who it was, none of the others were often inclined to show up for work so early, aside from L of course.

"Raito.." Souichirou's quiet tone of voice revealed nothing of whether he'd expected to find him there or not.

"Good morning, father," Raito replied habitually, feeling anxious and awkward wearing L's clothes in front of him. He had to assure himself that it seemed innocent enough, it technically was, and it was easily and logically explainable.

"Son...can we talk for a minute?" he inquired softly, sounding innocuous enough to somewhat ease Raito's nerves. He rose from his seat and followed Souichirou into the adjacent conference room, sparing a glance over his shoulders and meeting L's gaze briefly before shutting the door behind him. His father sat at the conference table and gestured for him to do the same. "Please, go ahead and sit down."

There was a short silence ended by Souichirou clearing his throat before he spoke. "Your mother and I had a long discussion after you left.. I...apologise for the way I behaved last night," he admitted, baring a look of solemn regret. "I realise that it was not the kind of approach you need right now. I only want to help you with this, but it seems I did not convey that very well. I let my temper get the best of me..."

"Father.." Raito had been bracing himself for another brutal confrontation. He had never once imagined that his father would approach him in such a non-belligerent manner. He was unable to prevent his doubt and caution from completely containing the relief incited by the wholly unexpected show of mercy.

"Your mother and I understand that you're going through a difficult time right now, and of course we both only want what's best for you. We've decided to get you some help." Raito's blood ran cold, washing away all sense of hope and relief.

"Help? As in..?"

"Professional help. Apparently there is a doctor working in Tokyo who specialises in such cases. We believe he may be able to find out what's caused this and help you to overcome it."

"Wha.." Raito gaped at him, momentarily speechless. He was smacked with a feeling of utter disappointment, feeling like a complete idiot for having allowed himself to believed for one second that he was being treated with any form of understanding. Help him overcome what exactly? His attraction to men? His disgust toward women? He had already tried to 'overcome' it so desperately that he was well assured by now that the prospect was entirely unrealistic. Maybe a few months ago he would have latched onto the possibility that some doctor may have the capability to bestow his salvation, but clearly he was no longer privy to such blissful ignorance. Didn't they know him well enough to realise he was smarter than that, that he'd already tried? "You don't seriously think that something like that would really-"

"-Raito," his father cut in, his control of his temper clearly dwindling already. "You are in no position to argue with me on this. You are clearly not in the frame of mind to know what's best for you."

"Frame of mind?! What do you think I am, some kind of lunatic?!" Raito stood and shouted, anger and shock coursing through his veins.

"Well that is not exactly the term I was looking to use, but given the fact that you seem to be suffering from and illness which goes completely against human nature itself, you are not too far off the mark!" Souichirou countered as he pushed up from his own seat, his short temper perceivably getting the better of him. "Can't you see it isn't  
_normal_ for a man to be sexually attracted to other men?!"

Raito grit his teeth and felt his face heat at his father's words. "I know that, but.." Of course he knew that, how could he not? But he had come to discover that it much like any other aspect of life it was a matter of chance. For one reason or another, it had happened, and there was nothing he could do about it.

"You're _sick_, Raito. Come to your senses and let us get you some help!"

"Yagami-san." L's sharp tone caused both their heads to snap toward the doorway. "Pardon my intrusion, but your voices can be heard as far as the hallway."

Souichirou paled, instantly grasping for an innocent explanation. "I'm sorry, Ryuuzaki. I didn't realise.." he began, looking anxious and disgraced for all the wrong reasons.

L gave him a long firm look. "I believe I'm not the one who you should be apologising to," he declared with a subtle twist of brutality to his otherwise composed tone of voice, his eyes shifting between the two. "I'm afraid I shall have to ask you to leave the premises if you continue to treat a fellow team member with such discourtesy."

Souichirou looked positively scandalised. "You don't understand.." he began, but trailed off, obviously reluctant to explain the shameful situation.

"The topic of your conversation is quite evident, Yagami-san. It seems it is you who does not understand," L blandly accused. "In many modern states, it has been made highly illegal for one to discriminate based on sexuality, especially within a working environment. Therefore, while Japan itself has yet to enforce such laws, and though your personal matters and what occurs in your own household are no business of mine, I must insist that in _my_ workplace every one of my employees be treated equally and with due respect."

Souichirou clenched his teeth and accepted defeat for lack of any alternative. "Yes, Ryuuzaki.. My apologies," he said pitifully, afterward looking to Raito who was too busy staring at L in astonishment to notice. He pushed back his chair and left the room, avoiding meeting L's eyes when he moved aside to let him through the doorway.

"Ryuuzaki.. why..?" Raito's heart beat wildly.

"I thought I'd made it clear. I do not consider such behaviour to be proper work ethic. The same regulations apply to each member of my investigation team."

L's detached explanation failed to calm the rush of adrenaline that had swept through Raito upon witnessing the uncharacteristically agitated undertone of his reaction. Even as he stared at the other man's now impassive face, he couldn't help but feel deep down that L had been angry, and that his anger had been out of concern for him.

--R/L--

AUTHORS NOTE:

im drunk, and this is too short, but im posting it anyway. mannnn this is getting lamer by the second isnt it? i think im losing interest, are you all hating it yet? hahaha im really finding it hard to continue, i hope this chapter was disappointing enough for no one to mind if i abandon the living shit out of this story


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